The major reason women cite as to why they haven’t made the switch to female-centered sex is that they didn’t know it existed. Our culture does a miraculous job in convincing women that the only real form of sex is intercourse, male-centered; and, mature women should enthusiastically embrace it. You know; the vaginal orgasm nonsense. In society’s eyes, all other forms of sex are immature and inconsequential. So, despite women’s lack of gratification with intercourse, they soldier on; it’s the only way they know.
Nevertheless, the women we talk with have the intuitive feeling there must be more to sex than they’re experiencing. But, they don’t have the answer. They can’t tell their partners what they need to feel fulfilled, what is missing from their sexual relationship, because they don’t know themselves. Oh, they do experiment, with their spouses, and with lovers, always looking for that feeling of sexual satiation and fulfillment; but, they never find it, because they play the same game, just with different partners. There’s always that barrier of penetrative sex that keeps them trapped.
Is that the way you feel, or are you completely satisfied with sex as society scripts, not knowing or wanting to know the alternative?
Why is it that almost all women think intercourse is their ultimate sexual expression; yet, seventy-eight percent are dissatisfied with it? When this many women consistently object to being used sexually, it’s obvious something is wrong. They say they’re frustrated, angry, and even resentful with male-centered sex; yet they continue to accept mediocre, often boring, unfulfilling penetrative sex. Why don’t they demand change? What is it about the female mind that allows, and often encourages, women to willingly offer their bodies for male gratification, while they’re frequently languish, left high, wet, and wanting?
Oh yes, there are many answers to these questions; but, what do you think? I’d love to hear from you. Share your views in the comments below and let’s open the dialogue.
A few days ago, I received a long missive from Mike (why do men seem to write long letters when dealing with sex—because they have such a limited knowledge?) complaining about his girlfriend. Seems as though she can’t orgasm with penetrative sex (duh?). Mike goes on at length about his sexual prowess, (seems as though he’s a self-acclaimed stud), but can’t figure out why Sheri, his current amour, is so resistant to orgasm; after all he claims, he’s had no trouble in the past giving all the other women in his life orgasms, so what’s her problem? What he was asking was: what’s the best way to make her orgasm? And, can I help him?
Why do so many men think they can “give” a woman her orgasm? Could it be that society has pushed this bullshit to the hilt? No one gives a woman her orgasm. Our orgasms are all mental, with delicious physical manifestations, which require our brains, not our genitals, to activate. Sure, men can assist, they can facilitate, and they can help, but they cannot give it; we must do that ourselves. Men rarely understand this.
So, what do we tell Mike? I know what I told him, but what would you say to him?
To me, there is no question that men control our sexuality. They manipulate our sexual beliefs and behaviors through our parents, schools, churches, and mass media. They set the agenda, define the terms, and dictate the norms. In society, men dominate, not because of some biologic imperative, but because they so declare. In society’s eyes, women are commodities; we are “things” to be owned—prized for our fecundity, defined by our vaginas, and valued for our subservience. It’s unadulterated bullshit, but it works because women allow it. We are complicit in their scheme.
But, this begs the question. Why is it necessary for our sexuality to be controlled? What benefits are there to society to keep our sexuality under wraps? Besides the obvious, making more babies to serve as society’s fodder—to fill the pews, pay the taxes, and fight the wars—and to feed man’s lust for sexual penetration and gratification, as well as his need for constant motherly care, there must be a more compelling reason, and there is—it’s called fear. If women were ever to regain their sexual autonomy, patriarchy would crumble; man’s unnatural dominance would evaporate faster than a drop of water on the sidewalk in the torrid heat of a summer day.
Fear, yes fear of our sexual powers is the primary motivating factor behind society’s need to control our sexuality. This fear takes many forms and has many faces that women need to understand if we are to regain our rightful status in an egalitarian society. To drive the demon from our souls, all we need do is recognize its existence and exorcize it with the knowledge and activation of our innate sexuality.
Here is an excellent jumping off point into our exploration of society’s fear that I encourage you to read. It’s an article by Soraya Chemaly that appeared in AterNet in May.
Well, the severe thunderstorm moved through last night knocking out our access to the Internet, so no message could be posted; however, it gave me time to reflect on the many emails I receive from readers. Many tell stories, others complain, and others simply want answers to questions that bug them. But, the one overriding theme is, of course, sex.
Sex, evidently, is of great concern to these women. They want to know what it is; how to enjoy it; how to make it more meaningful; and how to dispel the feeling of “something missing” in their sexual encounters.
As women, our dissatisfaction with “sex” is pandemic and inevitable, as long as we are shackled to male-centered sex, to penetrative sex and its penile primacy, to the male sex paradigm. When three out of four of us are disenchanted with sex as scripted, something clearly is amiss. The women who write to me know this, so let’s take some time and explore their concerns over the next several days. Join us and add your thoughts.
Sexual autonomy is, for most of us, nothing more than a dream. We have been programmed to accept our sexual fate, our vaginal destiny, and we acquiesce. But, after years of sexual subservience, I asked myself, “Why?” Why am I depriving myself of what I knew was my birthright—sexual satiation? It didn’t make sense. Men invariably savor the pleasure of sex in their ejaculations and orgasm, but not so with women. We have this awesome capacity for multiple orgasms; yet, we consider ourselves fortunate if we can find one orgasm in the mix. I rarely orgasmed with “traditional” sex. But, I labored on, the good woman, the dutiful wife, as do most of us, until I figured that I deserved my sexual gratification and fulfillment, and I was determined to have it.
Sexual autonomy became my rallying cry. Freedom. Freedom to do what I wanted and needed. Freedom to reject outright that which I didn’t want or need. It was all about freedom, not equality, as is so often preached. I didn’t want to be equal. I didn’t want sex like a man. I didn’t want to be a man; I wanted to be me, to be free to express myself as I truly felt. Free to experience the ecstasy of sexual satiation. No longer was I willing to accept mediocre, penetrative, male-centered sex as my sine qua non. No, not for me, no longer.
Sexual autonomy, for us, means experimentation. Once a woman makes her decision to be free to express her innate sexuality, to experience the beauty and serenity of her orgasms to the point of physical and emotional satiation, she needs to find the path that leads her to the “other world.” And, that path varies, for we are all different. But, there is a common path, a path that shifts our focus from penetrative sex to non-penetrative sex, from intercourse to cunnilingus, from an occasional orgasm to multiple orgasms, from a feeling that something is missing to a feeling of fulfillment. That is the path that each of us must find for ourselves.
